I'm such a loser

After a long night, this just tickles me no end:

"She is referred to me
by Dr. McKee
for evaluation of her knee."

Help me.

Worse, by comparison?

The only thing worse than having a tape where the doctor's voice is clear as crystal but there is a jackhammer noise in the background covering it alllll up...is the chicken-scratch writing he uses to fill in the blanks you left him.

Then he faxes it. On a yard-sale special. Running out of ink.

I just had to laugh...or I'd cry. I think I might be able to fill in two of the blanks out of, oh, 20 or so. Miracles 'R Us. That's me.

I wonder if he'd notice if I filled in every blank using Mad Libs for inspiration.

"Crohn's disease and FUZZY crypt abscesses with inflammation, enteritis, and colitis in the past. DARK BURGERS. She had a flare-up with active ileocolitis, where she actually needed surgery. She also was told to start SNOWING, but she did not want to because SNOT. She now continues to have about one to two bowel movements a day, which are liquid and BLUE. There is no blood. The patient has lower abdominal pain, which COVERS stool HIGHWAY GYN surgery, CUCUMBER diagnosis."

Criminy.

*NOUNS, ADJECTIVES, ETC. BY KITKAT. No lie. I shot her IM to give me random stuff.

Is this kind of a "why is the sky blue" question?

So...

ManCub can't hear his own alarm. KitKat can't hear her own alarm. By golly, though, wouldn't you know...she complains that his is too loud, and he wakes up by her alarm. I've been up all night and I can't Aesop this one out. I'm going to let it go.

Five chapters edited. Cover letter written. Synopsis form...still sitting where I left it in the front room Sunday while I watched football, cooked, did dishes, yada yada ad nauseum in patheticum deo. I have no idea if that means anything other than my dementia is all I have left to offer after a night of typing for a colorectal surgeon, one Arab rheumatologist, one Indian rheumatologist who speaks her version of the Queen's English with some American accents (I love typing for her - she's awesome), one plastic surgeon (no 750-cc Mentor silicone implants tonight, darnit--I love laughing at those chicks), and lots and lots of colonoscopies with poor bowel prep. Doc S has so many ways of saying they didn't take their GoLYTELY seriously. ::shudder::

Yeah, that just fell under the TMI category, didn't it?

For more of my dementia, please visit sapphiretigress.com. It gets weirder than this, folks. I guarantee it.

Hear Ye! Hear Ye! MT praises physician!

In my line of work, I tend to take the good dictators for granted. I realized that the other night, when one of my best dictators commented on how he probably sounded stupid, and they had given him new forms, mixing him up, etc. So, I sent him an e-mail. It never dawned on me on how much I tend to kvetch about those dictators who make me lose hair, but fail to praise the ones who make me smile:

Dear Dr. Best: I am typing for you currently, and you just made a remark about sounding stupid. Tsk tsk. I contest this, and I will again say that you are one of my BEST dictators ever. You never forget there is someone listening on the other side. I don't remember but one of my other physicians telling me "sorry" when they've sneezed, and that was one time. You've had a cold several times over the years, and your sneezes successfully missed the mouthpiece of the phone AND you apologized for them. You may not realize this, but considering some of my physicians have taken their dictation units into the restroom with them and kept on talkin' (an industry standard, believe it or not), go right ahead on and sneeze as often as you like. I don't ever get to see you in person, but I do want to let you know that I appreciate the "thank you" at the end of each dictation, and the little hums and doot-doots between patients. You have been and will always be a pleasure to type for, even if they were mean and gave you new forms :) A few more seconds with you is NOT going to send me into a deep depression. Anyway, I thought I'd let you know. Thank you for remembering that we transcriptionists probably listen to you as much as anyone else in your life, and your being so gracious and conscientious about your dictation is nothing short of a blessing. Take care, Me
This is his reply:

"...end of dictation for X...and I truly do thank you. I thank you for your little note. I appreciate it. And, trust me, I don't even go to the bathroom at home without closing the door so my wife can't get in, so it is unlikely I will ever take the Dictaphone in with me. Also, I still try to limit my dictations to eight charts at a time so that you have a chance to get up and take a bathroom break if you need to. Take care, Sapphire. Bye.“

I am just beaming. It was on a Dictaphone Straighttalk, so I couldn't record it for posterity, but, hey, I type. That's what I do. So, here it is, for posterity.

A little bit of irony...

Actual transcription:
Mr. Smith works for a steel company and was attending a safety meeting. Upon leaving that safety meeting, he accidentally stepped into a hole and twisted his right ankle.

Job hazard! It gave the doctor the giggles. Obviously, it gave me the giggles, too, or I wouldn't be posting this gem.

Maybe Democrats oughtta put in their platform "life hazard pay for all." I wonder if it would be taxable or a tax break?