The Wedding Gum

My sister got married yesterday. She booked the air force base chapel, so we had to be in and out in two hours. They're very strict about this. It took about 45 minutes just to get her dressed. Has anyone else heard of spraying crinolines with hairspray to get them to poof more? It works.

So, the photographer called for the bride, and the bridesmaids were going to be next. My daughter was a bridesmaid, so I went to track down my sons, who volunteered to do a backup video. My mom came rushing up as the photographer called for the mother of the bride. She said, "Take this," and stuck a glob of Trident on the tip of my finger.

I couldn't find a trash can. I made it to the annex and went to what the chapel called a "cry room," thinking that when babies cry, the first thing you do is check the diaper, right?

No trash can. The cry room works 50/50. My niece was happy. My nephew wasn't.

My brother-in-law caught me as I came out of the cry room. "You're on. Go go go!"

"I have gum!" I said. "I can't find the trash!"

"Give it here," he said, and he took the gum.

Here's the thing: It wasn't my mom's gum.

Oh, no.

The BRIDE gave up the gum because, hey, weddings are a lot like school - no gum. She gave it to her twin, who got called up while - get this - trying to find a trash can, because she was the maid of honor. So, she gave the gum to Mom, who made it halfway down the aisle before being called up (big church), and gave the gum to me.

When my brother and I got into the picture, he said, "Somebody make a joke."

I told him about the gum. Nobody else had realized the gum had traveled so far. Turned out my brother-in-law found the trash can and the baby changing station in the bathroom, which were a long way away from the annex and chapel.

Why I love my mommy...and the rest of 'em.

My mom is ultra cool. Bet not a lot of people think that. I reflected on several things over Christmas today with her:

1. She raised kids in the 70s and 80s, and then got my kids to tinker with in the 90s and 00s. The woman has coolness down from every era. Why? One of my 23-year-old sisters said something and she whipped out that arm and snapped her fingers like a major pro. I'd never seen her do that! Apparently, Ash hadn't either, and commented on "da mom wid da snap."

2. The girls lamented about how they couldn't get away with anything (talking about the 23-year-olds here again). I looked at them, very directly, and said, "Hey! I broke her in!" Mom said, "You just broke me." Heh.

3. Mom despises Doris Day's singing, and isn't too big on her acting, either. My sisters know this, so guess what Ash picked up at a yard sale a few months ago? With a lot of drama and suspense, the present got, well, presented as the last one. Mom opened it up, the girls bust out laughing and, for a moment, Mom hesitated, really not wanting to say it, but finally blurted, "But I don't like her!" to which the girls promptly replied they knew. What did we do with the record, you ask? The girls put it on the turntable and messed with the speeds to the timing of her sliding vocals, adding to the octave spreads with each line of "Over the Rainbow." I don't know if you had to be there, but it was good. All good.

4. Mom likes "thought that counts" gifts. I asked my little neighbor/frequent guest to "cartoonify" my mom's dog, Herky. Here is the result, which went on the front of a card:
My little buddy E has met Herky, being concurrent house guests, and the dawg has bling, a hoody, and shades. This little guy has some serious talent, so give him props!

5. My mom gets just as frustrated with Tiger's Eye (usually) lazy bones. My biggest beef is that I work nights. I put Alex out before I go to bed, usually, but with the kids out of school for the holidays, I have the freedom to put him out at midnight and my son put him out when he gets up, right? Wrong. This is the first thing I ask as I stumble around when I awaken:

"Please tell me the dog's been out."

"I didn't put him out."

"Why not?"

"I can't find my shoes."

NO longer a problem, my son. Knowing this battle, my mother bought him a pair of slip-on Croc-like-but-not-as-ugly shoes for his big ol' feet. Pop? "You can wear those in the snow." Me? I looked dead-eye at my eldest child, and said, "Exactly."

My mom rocks.

Now, onto the other peeps: My pop attended today's festivities. He's weakening. He's been very, very deaf for a very, very long time (childhood), and he's got the beginnings of Alzheimer's, but I overheard him on a Christmas call with my aunt (his daughter), and heard the following:

"So, you've got a bad cold? I ain't never heard of a good one."

:) He also takes his pocketknife wherever he goes. I took one from his house for a momento, and we launched into a discussion about how every boy needs a pocketknife, and he just couldn't believe that if Tiger's Eye went to school with one, he'd face arrest and expulsion--zero tolerance stuff. Pop's take? "How's he going to carve his girl's initials on a tree?"

My sisters: We had our big Christmas earlier this year, but the Dance Dance Revolution pads didn't come in time for the big Christmas. Tiger's Eye got them later, and now, "Can you come over? Will you bring the Playstation?" Did I mention they're 23? Crack me up. The two of them follow each other around the house. They started out eggs together, so I suppose it's only natural, especially that they've spent the better part of two years away from one another. They're not allowed to be on the same team in any game, it's so freaky. They're just, well, them. The best thing that ever happened to our family. Shiny stars, ultimate in positivity and cuteness, and just astounded that they finally developed hips last year. They're funny, and they keep Mom at her peak of performance, or she them. I think it's a mutual thing. Yes, they're old enough to live on their own, and yes, they're kind of freeloading, kinda, but they are looking for gainful employment and intend to pay Mom rent. She does have that huge house and none of us want her to be alone, but I'm sure she'd like a break :)

The kids...wow. What a Christmas. I deceived the poor children for months. I have earned serious cool mom pointage. We don't usually buy new gaming systems. Playstation has the Final Fantasy franchise, and Gamecube has the Zelda and Mario. Playstation was the last bought, and they still play the old, old, games, like SNES old. They'd given up hope of ever having a Gamecube, especially when KitKat asked specifically for more Zelda games, and I told her to go tally up the total for the 'Cube and the games, to which I told her precisely how many hours (uninterrupted) I'd have to work. Truth? It had been sitting in my husband's office for 2-1/2 months. MONTHS. Yeah. They went ape. Two Zelda games and one Mario game. KitKat's face turned beet red. She jumped up and down and said, "You got us! You SO got us!"

Yeah. That's why I bought it. I like having them and having them happy. Rarely does anyone play a RPG alone. They all sit and watch and read and collaborate on how to beat the bosses or their opinions on what's coming up. I'm very liberal with the games, because it promotes bonding between the three of them, and they're actually very good at limiting themselves, although KitKat whined about having only 5 minutes to play. I heard that many times today. The girls are keeping her tonight and they're going to watch a chick flick and keep the DDR for another day!

Merry Christmas, one and all. Herky's in the hood, Pop's got a reply for everything, the girls just bounce, and my Club Nimrod thinks we are such awesome parents. I got a good kitchen cleaning out of it, anyway.

Epiphany of Cricket Proportions...and my mom's smarter than me.

Yes, she's proved her genius yet once again. That, and I love crickets. Want to know why?

Fractured B-day wishes...

I guess the day could've been worse :) Happy birthday, Mom!