The Wedding Gum

My sister got married yesterday. She booked the air force base chapel, so we had to be in and out in two hours. They're very strict about this. It took about 45 minutes just to get her dressed. Has anyone else heard of spraying crinolines with hairspray to get them to poof more? It works.

So, the photographer called for the bride, and the bridesmaids were going to be next. My daughter was a bridesmaid, so I went to track down my sons, who volunteered to do a backup video. My mom came rushing up as the photographer called for the mother of the bride. She said, "Take this," and stuck a glob of Trident on the tip of my finger.

I couldn't find a trash can. I made it to the annex and went to what the chapel called a "cry room," thinking that when babies cry, the first thing you do is check the diaper, right?

No trash can. The cry room works 50/50. My niece was happy. My nephew wasn't.

My brother-in-law caught me as I came out of the cry room. "You're on. Go go go!"

"I have gum!" I said. "I can't find the trash!"

"Give it here," he said, and he took the gum.

Here's the thing: It wasn't my mom's gum.

Oh, no.

The BRIDE gave up the gum because, hey, weddings are a lot like school - no gum. She gave it to her twin, who got called up while - get this - trying to find a trash can, because she was the maid of honor. So, she gave the gum to Mom, who made it halfway down the aisle before being called up (big church), and gave the gum to me.

When my brother and I got into the picture, he said, "Somebody make a joke."

I told him about the gum. Nobody else had realized the gum had traveled so far. Turned out my brother-in-law found the trash can and the baby changing station in the bathroom, which were a long way away from the annex and chapel.