Club Nimrod and how I cope with them.

This week has seen a few changes. Adonis turned 17, but he might not ever see 18. We ate a big cake in two days (I've been abstaining, so the Nimrods felt deprived). We learned to love a new ice cream that has little chocolate cows in it. I'm not telling you its name because it's all MINE.

ManCub is in serious trouble. He aced his tests and has all C's and D's because he didn't turn in his homework. The first quarter of every school year seems to be dedicated to him earning my trust. Think I'd learn, right? It's now the second quarter of the 7th grade, my trust is gone, and he is suffering my wrath.

What is that? Waking him up at 6:00 a.m. to make CERTAIN he's done his homework. It's great in theory. The problem is...waking the darn kid up.

Solution?

Squirt bottle. You see, my fellow mothers, the efficient squirt bottle is the perfect idea. I will now be keeping one in the refrigerator to keep it nice and cold and a perfect visual reference every time said Nimrods raid the fridge.

Still, it works well in theory. ManCub rose instantaneously. However, he managed to walk upright into my room and promptly collapsed onto my bed and entered the Land of Nod once again.

Squirt bottles being squirt bottles, amazing things that they are, have a setting to switch from fine mist to STREAM. Long-range stream. Forget Nerf water guns - a cheap 99-cent squirt bottle from Wal-Mart does just fine. I didn't have to leave the chair at my desk. I've got excellent aim!

It's proven its effectiveness. However, please cross reference all KitKat posts where we complain about how terrifying she is in the morning (poke the bear in her lair, dodge the dragon fire-breath on her way out of slumber, yada yada). It's been worse this year. Shudder. This year, she's falling back asleep. Whereas we used to joke about fearing for our lives, we now are quite serious about it. See, there's a chance that she did get up and she is dressing. However, if you don't check, you don't know for certain. If she's asleep, it's not so bad. If she's awake and dressing, however, by god, you'd better know she's awake. We should all have telepathic capabilities by now, you know.

Adonis, smart child that he is, decided that KitKat needed a lesson with the squirt bottle. I'm happy to report that he's still among the living, but it was very, very close. I told him not to do it. The subsequent ear-splitting shouting and thundering down the stairs made me stand up, and Adonis streaking through my room with KitKat on his heels and a hairbrush in hand sent me into the giggles. Of course, I told my oldest who's been with me the longest that he's the bravest, stupidest kid I ever met. He's glad he's fast. Katie's glad he's not dead...yet. According to her, he's now ripe for slow torture.

Stay tuned. I'm expecting an iron maiden to be delivered by FedEx. KitKat's known for hoarding money, and I can see where this is money well spent.

Welcome to my dementia. Grab a squirt bottle and hang on for the ride...