Rambling Musings

I recently told someone this, regarding illness: "Some people feel very awkward and procrastinate for so long because they don't know what to say that they miss the opportunity to say anything at all."

I have a lot of experience with death and dying. From CNA, to nurse, to family, et al. I've shed a few tears today. Between 2000 and 2005, we lost a total of six great-grandparents, three grandparents, two uncles and some extended-extended fam. I hang out at a very nice message board for medical transcriptionists, www.mtspot.com, and it came up about what to say to someone who might never recover from an illness.

I had this problem with my father. We grew apart, him the dogmatic Christian and me the wayward black cat of the family. It didn't help that, at 19, I just got married, and he found out about a week later. I know, it's not right what I did. It's just not. But as his illness came on, I dropped my beefs, and he did his, but it still didn't feel quite right. I realized the above quote as I watched so many of my patients die, and put it to use. You see, sometimes, you need no words at all.

We were at my parents' one night, and Dad sat in his favorite Ethan Allen chair. Interestingly, his book of choice that night was a self-help book on becoming a compassionate rather than legalistic Christian. I knew. I just knew. He saw what I did about himself and he was going to fix it. Still, I didn't know what to say. I got down on the floor next to him and put my forehead on his thigh, and just bawled. He stroked my hair while my tears seeped through his khakis to his skin, but I stayed there. What do you say? What do you say when your world is about to implode? How do you scream out to God about taking someone, although tension exists between you, who has been a very big influence on your life? You can't say "I'm sorry you're sick. I hope you get well" to stage IV cancer. I wanted to send flowers, but "get well soon" wasn't appropriate. I couldn't say he was in my prayers, because he would have never bought it, even though I did get on my knees a few times during the experience. How do you tell him how much you hate the rift between you, but, philosophically, it is irreconcilable? Instead, I sobbed. He understood. I know he did. I hated and appreciated that moment. I wanted to give him the world. I wanted to promise him life, but I couldn't. It's not in my realm of responsibility.

So, if someone you love is sick or scared or lonely or depressed or stark raving mad or anything--you don't have to SAY anything. Don't say what you can't. Don't hand them tired cliches. Give them what you can and they'll always realize that was your best effort. Sometimes, tears do the trick. My tears symbolized apology, regret, desire, committment and honesty, and I never said a word, until I got up and told him I loved him, kissed his forehead and gathered up the cubs to go home. The next week, I bought him a bucket of pistachios. Soon after, I found these cool little Boris and Natasha (think Bullwinkle) dolls, just because I loved it when he did his Boris impressions before I left home and after that. I found this really funky card with three people holding three lengths of brightly colored cloth blowing in the wind. On the inside, it simply said, "I don't get it either."

I'm glad I did, because soon after, the cancer moved into his frontal lobe and affected his judgment. His personality became very abrasive, and words he abhorred spilled from his mouth, but I let myself go at his feet, and I will never regret that. He knew. He knew! He knew how much I loved him and couldn't express it. He knew that all those walls between us came down. He knew that, when I left that night, life between us began anew. No grudges. No gripes. Past things stayed where they belonged, in the past.

Why did I wait so long? Why do any of us wait so long? Why does it take a major catastrophe to realize that "beloved, love one another" is so important? We're silly humans, that's why.